Not sure where it came from originally, but it's funny..
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all
Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year
Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device
Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet!"
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A: Childbirth
Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better
Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember
Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are,
Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers
Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A: Brute force
Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant
Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you
Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for
Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it's a girl.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks
Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly
Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they ?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college
I have had this bike for almost two years now. I think I went for one bike ride back when I got it. Since then it’s been relocated to my shed, then to my parents’ garage since I had moved into a place with very limited storage space and I was pregnant at the time (which was why I couldn’t use it, duh!), and now it’s back home with me (we moved again) and I have now begun a workout plan! My goal is to get in shape again so I feel better about my mommy body. Also, the thirty minutes of quiet time three or four times a week makes me a happier mommy. I love my time with my son and my husband, but after those days when I’m busy busy all day it’s nice to take that little chunk of time to plug in the ipod, and just ride and listen, and sweat it all out! Step one of this project was to go retrieve the bike from my parents’ house, check! Step two was to give up my love love relationship with cookie dough… uhh, let’s move that to step three, since it hasn’t happened yet, did I mention I love love cookie dough, love it, chocolate chip to be exact, hmm…uncheck. So, step three was to get out there, water bottle in hand, ipod up loud (in just one ear, due to the cars whizzing by that could kill me, I’d like to hear them coming, so I can pray real quick before I possibly die), and me taking off, all alone to possibly embarrass myself by hitting a parked car or worse, hitting a rock and falling and skinning my knee, or something horribly humiliating like that. Good thing I’m a grown woman now and it takes far more to embarrass me enough to stop me! Although, luckily, I haven’t fallen yet :) So, I’ve been out twice now! And I-love-it!! It’s awesome to do something that even in the 99.9 degree weather when I can’t see straight there’s so much sweat, and my legs are burning more than they have in eight months (I haven’t done any physical activity at all since my son was born in January), I’m actually enjoying every minute of it, seriously, that's not sarcasm, amazing!!! For once, exercise isn’t torture, It’s completely freeing and I’m loving it! And I can only imagine how it’ll be ten times more enjoyable when I’m not seeing Final Destination type flashes in my head every time a car comes by, or spending the whole trek contemplating which side of the road I should be on to avoid impending doom… On the left side, where I started on day one, I can see the cars coming, this is good… until they decide that, I’m guessing, since they see that I can see them coming they give me no extra space, just keep on their straight (and way too close) path, which causes me to get wobblier and tense up my shoulders so I look like the wicked witch of the west because, sure they see me, and they have a little room, but if I hit a teeny tiny little pebble in the road I could skid out of control, wobble all the way to the ground, and of course there’s no doubt in my mind I’d tip to the right, smack dab into the grill of said approaching car and I’d, you guessed it, die. Aye aye aye. Soo, day two, I chose the right side of the road, where the universal (who knows where they come from) rules of the road say for bikers to ride. I came to the conclusion yesterday that this is indeed better. My theory for this being the rule of the road is because at least if you’re going to die by freak accident car hits biker collision, this way your body will be relaxed because you’ll never see it coming. Works for me, but now I’m thinking, does this rule require me getting those dorky rear view mirrors for my bike, or the ten foot tall flag so everyone in a ten mile radius sees me coming, moving on… Now, I realize, I’ve been riding without a helmet, that’s probably bad. At least if I do go down, I could suffer a less severe concussion if I had a plastic helmet on to break the meeting between my head and the concrete… add that to the list of to-do’s for my biking adventure. 
My son is almost eight months old; 
